How to talk to your kids about race, gender, differences, and bias.

1. Start With Self-Reflection: Before we begin, it is important to stress that these are complicated topics. We tend to want a checklist, to put in the work, get the materials, read the books, teach our kids "the right stuff" about race or gender equality or prejudice in general and then fix it. But from equity training we know that this is a long process that starts with ourselves and reflecting on our own experiences. It will be an interesting journey through our own ingrained prejudices, stereotypes, fears, assumptions and misunderstanding.

   • We cannot pass along to our children what we don't have. We may not all have a tight grasp on being "woke" or racially conscious. Most of us have a majority of friends/family that are similar to ourselves (e.g., all white, all from the same socioeconomic background, same religious groups, etc.). However, we are really in an important place in time and history to listen and learn about how our experiences are very different from many others.

   • Seek out community members, experiences, and media sources that give you multiple perspectives. We should begin by listening more intently to men and women of color and other backgrounds in our own lives. We can explicitly seek out different media than we normally take in through Podcasts and books and follow women of color, artists, and activists on social media. This can help us to widen our perspectives on a range of topics from the superficial to the spiritual. Watching the news unfold through their lenses can be fascinatingly different from the rest of our white feed. Even if we don't agree with or enjoy all of the perspectives or art, it is beneficially raising our awareness.

   • Ask yourself difficult questions.  Do you socialize with people of other cultures, races, and ethnicities?  Encourage your children to be friends with diverse peers?  Voice stereotypes?  Ignore acts of racism or racist comments in front of your kids?

   • Examine your own racial and gender autobiography. This is really powerful in furthering our own awareness of whiteness, gender, and bias and how it has impacted both our own and others’ lives.

2. Recognize that children are not colorblind and that avoiding talking about race and other differences is not the answer. Parents Magazine has an excellent article by Kara Corridan and Wanda Medina called Your Age-by-Age Guide to Talking About Race.  Interestingly, children as young as 3 years old can begin to take on racist behaviors if exposed to them.  It is never too young to start talking about race.  The following information from this article was extremely helpful in breaking down what children understand and how we can talk to them about it at different ages:

   • 6 Months-1 Year:  Children can recognize differences in hair textures and skin tone.  Expose them to people from a variety of cultures, races, and ethnic groups.  This will help them see that interacting with a diverse group of people is the norm.  Talk about special talents that are part of diversity (e.g., “He is special because he can speak more than one language!”, etc.).

   • 2-3 Years Old:  At this age, children talk about differences in the way people look.  It’s good to talk about those differences as you play and read books.  “This is a little boy.  He has skin that is brown.  It isn’t the same as our skin’s color, but it’s a beautiful color, too!”

   • 4-6 Years Old:  It’s common at this age for kids to associate “different” with “negative.”  It is important to talk them through these misconceptions.  We can address this in a calm, direct way.  For example, “Her (eyes, skin, hair, etc.) is ____.  It isn’t like yours, but it is just another type.”

   • 7-8 Years Old:  Kids can understand that we are different and it’s okay.  If they point out differences, we can agree and say, yes, we are different, AND here is how we are similar (e.g., “Yes her hair is a different texture, and it’s beautiful. Also, you both love soccer.”).  We don’t want kids to think people of other races are so different that we don’t have anything in common.  There are many similarities between us.  This is also when kids are exposed to news and media; therefore, it is important to explain that we can’t make assumptions about groups of people.  In the article, the authors use the example: “Some kids like vanilla ice cream, but not ALL kids like vanilla ice cream.”  We are unique and that’s a good thing.

3. Name races.  As parents, the tendency is to avoid talking with our children about race or racism or sexism.   Sometimes we worry that talking about race draws unnecessary attention to it or makes children racist. In fact, the opposite is true.  We need to realize “colorblindness” is not the answer.  Children are going to notice differences, so we should talk about the observations we are making rather than pretending they aren’t there.

   • Talk about skin tones and black and white.  These words should just be a normal part of the conversation, not associated with any negative connotations.  The earlier we make these terms a part of the child’s vocabulary, the better.  This will ensure that children don’t think we aren’t supposed to talk about race.  We want them to draw accurate conclusions by being able to talk to us about their observations.

4. Start larger conversations about race, gender, identity, etc. and support your children in asking tough questions.  Try to make White Privilege and social issues a part of the conversation from a young age (in an age-appropriate way), rather than avoiding those conversations until our children are older. Talk about how your gender or gender identify can define how others view you, as well as impact your ability to succeed in your career. See Lesson #3 for a way to begin this conversation!

5. Talk about the past, present, and future in regards to race, gender inequality and other social issues.  

   • Talk about being white and how a lot of white people in history have taken things and land from people who were here first and tried to make them be like them. Talk about how unfair that is and how everyone is equal but not treated the same.

   • Kids might hear about people like Rosa Parks and MLK, Jr. or Brown vs. the Board of Education and think that racism is “fixed.”.  It’s important to help them understand that, although progress has been made and laws have changed, racial and social inequalities still remain. (Refer to this video in which children talk about segregation happening today in the United States).

6. Seek out a diverse friend group.  This may mean seeking sports teams, activities, or school environments with a more diverse community.  Modeling that we love and respect people from all cultures and races is more powerful than anything we say. Valuing multiple perspectives involves actually reading, listening to and KNOWING people of color, people from other cultures, etc.

7. Fill your house and surround your children with diverse books with characters of color.  

   • Choose some books about black, Native American, Hispanic and other history.  In order for our children to fully appreciate others, they have to learn about our nation’s history.  Some American history is hard to talk about but is also full of rich and powerful stories of people overcoming adversity and making their multicultural mark on the world. It is important to share stories of people that will deepen children’s understanding of history and social issues.

   • Choose some books about diversity in which race is the point.  There are a lot of great books out there that are about loving people of all races and cultures that help us learn about and appreciate diversity.

   • Most importantly, we should choose many books with characters of color that are not about race.  Choose books that are about regular kids of all ethnicities being kids.  It is important for our children to not just see the differences between us,  but to see the beauty in kids of others races, ethnicities, and backgrounds who are just like them.  It’s also important to have books that have characters of color that aren’t about race in order to normalize the idea that we are all just people in the world together.  

References:

1. Alam, Rumaan. “We Don’t Only Need More Diverse Books. We Need More Diverse Books Like The Snowy Day.” Buzzfeed. The Slate Group, 2 August 2016, https://slate.com/culture/2016/08/ezra-jack-keats-the-snowy-day-is-a-model-for-treating-black-characters-in-childrens-books.html.

2. Corridan, Kara and Medina, Wanda. “Your Age-by-Age Guide to Talking About Race.” Parents. Meredith Corporation, (n.d.), https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/teaching-tolerance/talking-about-race-with-kids/.

3. Goddard, Joanna. “Raising Race-Conscious Children.” A Cup of Joe. Elite Cafemedia Lifestyle Publisher, (n.d.), https://cupofjo.com/2016/10/raising-race-conscious-children/.

4. Real Talk, WOC & Allies. “Raising Social Justice Warriors.” Medium. 13 July 2017, https://medium.com/@realtalkwocandallies/raising-social-justice-warriors-7aa23449d841.

5. Stern, Carol. “Talking to Young Children about Bias and Prejudice.” ADL. Anti Defamation League, February 2000, https://www.adl.org/education/resources/tools-and-strategies/talking-to-young-children-about-prejudice.

6. Winkler, Erin. “Here’s How to Raise Race-Conscious Children.” Buzzfeed. 11 June 2017, https://www.buzzfeed.com/erinwinkler/tips-for-talking-to-children-about-race-and-racism?utm_term=.yo1A6rD3wm#.bjlVQ1OxRK.

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